Dear B'rit,
Dear B'rit,
My beautiful, cherished, wanted baby, tomorrow is what should be your second birthday. It has been two years; two hard, emotional, amazing years since you blessed our family with your short life and then left us to take your place in Heaven. I'm currently doing what any mom of a soon-to-be two-year-old would be doing the night before a birthday. I'm making cupcakes. Your big sister, Ariyah, and I will have some for breakfast and we'll talk about you. She still doesn't really understand who you are or where you are. She knows that you are her brother but it is a hard concept for her right now since she can't see you. She likes to talk about you though, and I can't help but love to hear her say your name. I might even give your little sister, Mayim a few tastes of the gooey chocolate cake. I'm still not sure how or when I will be able to explain to her about you. I'm not sure how I'll help her understand why I look at her sometimes and just start crying. I know that when the time comes the words will too... I will never keep you from them. Or from any other siblings you may have in the future. I promise that to you.
This is the first time that I have felt ready to write to you. I'm not sure why it took so long but I think I know a few people to thank for helping me finally be ready. I met and spent time with some incredible women this past weekend. I heard stories of their babies who are also in Heaven. I heard stories, too, from some of them who haven't been able to have babies. Stories of broken hearts and broken hope... And I talked about you. It was really hard at first but I knew I needed to do it. I talk about you often, at home, with our family. But I hold quite a bit back. Last weekend, though, my heart knew we were in a safe space and I was able to share about you in a way I've never been able to. I got to say things that scared me to say, but I said them out loud. And I cried. I felt so free and so close to you. Wow! Now you are held in the safe space of so many other beautiful mama-hearts! And their babies, their broken hearts are now held in my heart. I feel so honored. I was able to start some beautiful friendships.
While all of that was happening I was also encouraged to finish this journey that your life has put me on. I had started to doubt myself and my abilities. I had started to think that I wasn't needed and I wasn't good enough. But I was wrong, so wrong! The beautiful women and the beautiful stories took the little spark that was still left of my dream and fanned it back into a roaring fire! Your life... Our story... God has such plans for all of it! I'm getting more and more of the little puzzle pieces and He is helping me put them together to see all of it. I want your life to have meaning and purpose. I know that my purpose comes from our Abba Father, but your life and you death have given that purpose a depth I never knew possible. And to think, not only your story travels with me on this road now, but all of the beautiful pieces from the mamas I met travel with me too.
I miss you so very much, my sweet boy. Not a minute of any single day goes by that I do not long for you to be here with me. I get so jealous of Heaven, because they have you there and get to see you smile and play and grow. I have this incredible picture of you in my head looking just like your sisters with your Daddy's striking blue eyes and a head full of curly, dark hair. It makes me smile to think of you playing and sitting on Jesus' lap...
I know some people probably think I'm silly for talking about you and others will never understand how I could still miss you. Some will call me foolish for getting sad at times when I never even felt you move. They will think that I should move on and forget about you. I know now, that there are others who understand so completely. I am more grateful for the safe space that I found in their hearts than I can ever explain. I want you to know this; You were so wanted. You were and are so very loved. Your size when you left us and the short time we had you here has no bearing on your value to us. You are my sweet baby and you will always be counted among our family. You will always be included when I talk about my children. I am so very, very proud to be your Mama. I hope that you are proud to be my child. As I serve each and every Mama, Daddy, family, and baby in my care I hope I make you and our Abba proud. I pray that I honor your short, beautiful life and the Heart of God with every birth, whether Earthside or into Heaven, that I have the honor of witnessing.
Happy Birthday, B'rit. I love you my darling. Forever and always and always and always...
Love,
Mommy
My beautiful, cherished, wanted baby, tomorrow is what should be your second birthday. It has been two years; two hard, emotional, amazing years since you blessed our family with your short life and then left us to take your place in Heaven. I'm currently doing what any mom of a soon-to-be two-year-old would be doing the night before a birthday. I'm making cupcakes. Your big sister, Ariyah, and I will have some for breakfast and we'll talk about you. She still doesn't really understand who you are or where you are. She knows that you are her brother but it is a hard concept for her right now since she can't see you. She likes to talk about you though, and I can't help but love to hear her say your name. I might even give your little sister, Mayim a few tastes of the gooey chocolate cake. I'm still not sure how or when I will be able to explain to her about you. I'm not sure how I'll help her understand why I look at her sometimes and just start crying. I know that when the time comes the words will too... I will never keep you from them. Or from any other siblings you may have in the future. I promise that to you.
This is the first time that I have felt ready to write to you. I'm not sure why it took so long but I think I know a few people to thank for helping me finally be ready. I met and spent time with some incredible women this past weekend. I heard stories of their babies who are also in Heaven. I heard stories, too, from some of them who haven't been able to have babies. Stories of broken hearts and broken hope... And I talked about you. It was really hard at first but I knew I needed to do it. I talk about you often, at home, with our family. But I hold quite a bit back. Last weekend, though, my heart knew we were in a safe space and I was able to share about you in a way I've never been able to. I got to say things that scared me to say, but I said them out loud. And I cried. I felt so free and so close to you. Wow! Now you are held in the safe space of so many other beautiful mama-hearts! And their babies, their broken hearts are now held in my heart. I feel so honored. I was able to start some beautiful friendships.
While all of that was happening I was also encouraged to finish this journey that your life has put me on. I had started to doubt myself and my abilities. I had started to think that I wasn't needed and I wasn't good enough. But I was wrong, so wrong! The beautiful women and the beautiful stories took the little spark that was still left of my dream and fanned it back into a roaring fire! Your life... Our story... God has such plans for all of it! I'm getting more and more of the little puzzle pieces and He is helping me put them together to see all of it. I want your life to have meaning and purpose. I know that my purpose comes from our Abba Father, but your life and you death have given that purpose a depth I never knew possible. And to think, not only your story travels with me on this road now, but all of the beautiful pieces from the mamas I met travel with me too.
I miss you so very much, my sweet boy. Not a minute of any single day goes by that I do not long for you to be here with me. I get so jealous of Heaven, because they have you there and get to see you smile and play and grow. I have this incredible picture of you in my head looking just like your sisters with your Daddy's striking blue eyes and a head full of curly, dark hair. It makes me smile to think of you playing and sitting on Jesus' lap...
I know some people probably think I'm silly for talking about you and others will never understand how I could still miss you. Some will call me foolish for getting sad at times when I never even felt you move. They will think that I should move on and forget about you. I know now, that there are others who understand so completely. I am more grateful for the safe space that I found in their hearts than I can ever explain. I want you to know this; You were so wanted. You were and are so very loved. Your size when you left us and the short time we had you here has no bearing on your value to us. You are my sweet baby and you will always be counted among our family. You will always be included when I talk about my children. I am so very, very proud to be your Mama. I hope that you are proud to be my child. As I serve each and every Mama, Daddy, family, and baby in my care I hope I make you and our Abba proud. I pray that I honor your short, beautiful life and the Heart of God with every birth, whether Earthside or into Heaven, that I have the honor of witnessing.
Happy Birthday, B'rit. I love you my darling. Forever and always and always and always...
Love,
Mommy
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