Honestly?
I've decided that I've got to come clean about a few things... Now, I didn't come into marriage and motherhood thinking everything would be roses and romance. I didn't think it would be easy breezy or that I would never struggle. I have always been taught that marriage and parenthood are the hardest jobs I will ever have. And that both are worth every ounce of hardship and are also the most rewarding jobs in the world. But, I think that I have written so many Facebook posts, and posted so many Instagram photos putting on a front that I have started believing it. I have shown my life to the world through rose colored glasses and in the process completely dis-alluded myself. I've become so ungrateful for so many things in my life lately because I don't feel like its going exactly the way I think it should or the way that I've planned for it to go... Or the way I present it to others...
I can almost guarantee that I spend the equivalent of one full day out of my week yelling, disciplining, being frustrated, and bickering... Maybe more... Probably more... But if I actually write that I spend more than one full 24 hour period doing it I may fall into a deep depression and need psychiatric care... So I'm saying one full day... Even that is WAY too much time spent wasted! If I'm fighting and yelling one full day out of a week, and say working two days, sleeping the equivalent of 2-3 days, and then add in cooking, cleaning, laundry and changing diapers.... I'm left with maybe one day... One 24 hour period in which to enjoy my kids, my family, my life... A day is nothing in the grand scheme of time. It is the blink of an eye in this thing called life. And how much of that one single day do I spend putting on a facade to make everyone believe that I've got it together? Too much. Way too much. Am I going to stop all of my feel-good posts, the bragging about how much I cleaned in one day, the awesome dinners I made, or how incredible my kids and husband are? NOPE! Not a chance! Because while they aren't the whole truth, they are true and they do help me feel accomplished and get me through... But, starting now, I'm going to be dishing out a lot more of the harsh reality that is the life of Mrs. Deming...
I'm not going to hide the fact that I let my child have potato chips for lunch. Or ramen noodles. Judge all you want... I'm going to be honest about the fact that today has pretty much SUCKED! The day didn't start out so bad, but in the midst of a decent day I officially fought with my 2-year-old for TWO AND A HALF HOURS over taking a nap... Yep... No joke.... And guess what? I did NOT win! By the time we were done fighting and I got in the shower to cool down, it was too late for her to take a nap. She won. I'm not proud of that. I'm not proud of the fight but I'm mostly not proud that I lost. I'm not proud that I stood in that shower while she was still laying in her bed doing whatever 2-year-olds do while no one is looking and I just sobbed... I told God that I think He may have made a terrible mistake giving me my husband and my kids.
Now, I know He doesn't make mistakes. He doesn't make garbage. He makes beautiful disasters. But I don't feel like a beautiful disaster. I just feel like a regular, old, horrible, ugly disaster. I don't feel like I'm a good mom. I don't feel like I'm a good wife or homemaker. And no, I'm not judging myself against other moms or wives. Because, honestly, those moms and wives that post like me and seem like they have it all together? They drive me CRAZY! See, I know. I know that they are faking it just like me. They don't have the same struggles. They don't fail in the same ways that I do. But NONE of us has it all together. And anyone who might actually really have it all together, well, they must live a pretty bland, boring life... Because its all the failures, all the falling down that makes life interesting. And no, I'm not writing this in the hopes for sympathy posts about what a great mom I am and everyone has rough days and it'll all get better and of course, I'm a good wife. Yeah... those do stroke the ego a little and help dull the ache of the awful day I've had... But I don't want those... I want the "ME TOO!" and the "AMEN!" and the "GLAD I'M NOT ALONE!" posts... Those are the ones that are real... Solidarity. That is real. I know that on most days I do my best and I am a pretty good mom. I know that my Hubby loves me and appreciates me even on the days I don't see or feel it. And he knows that I feel the same way even on the days that I nag and complain.
Do I want to be that "perfect" mom and wife and homemaker? Do I want to be the "Pinterest" mom that has it all together and makes organic rainbow spaghetti and steamed broccoli for my kids' lunch? No, not really. I am ok with the messy. I am ok with the imperfect. The messy and the imperfect are what make us who we are. We all know that if we were all that perfect "Pinterest" mom, life would be so boring! The mess teaches us lessons, causes us to do better next time, and builds character in us and in those around us. When I got out of that shower I knew for a fact that God had not made a mistake. My child is mine because she is meant to be mine. I am the only mommy that can raise her and help her become the person she is destined to be. And I was able to come out of that shower and pick her up and love on her. I rocked her and told her how much I love her. I apologized for our fight. I apologized for getting in my own way and being just as stubborn as she was.
And do you know what happened? She looked up at me and giggled, and kissed my face... And then she laid down on my chest and fell asleep... Yep... After all of that fighting and crying... she fell asleep at 5:00 in the evening.
I can almost guarantee that I spend the equivalent of one full day out of my week yelling, disciplining, being frustrated, and bickering... Maybe more... Probably more... But if I actually write that I spend more than one full 24 hour period doing it I may fall into a deep depression and need psychiatric care... So I'm saying one full day... Even that is WAY too much time spent wasted! If I'm fighting and yelling one full day out of a week, and say working two days, sleeping the equivalent of 2-3 days, and then add in cooking, cleaning, laundry and changing diapers.... I'm left with maybe one day... One 24 hour period in which to enjoy my kids, my family, my life... A day is nothing in the grand scheme of time. It is the blink of an eye in this thing called life. And how much of that one single day do I spend putting on a facade to make everyone believe that I've got it together? Too much. Way too much. Am I going to stop all of my feel-good posts, the bragging about how much I cleaned in one day, the awesome dinners I made, or how incredible my kids and husband are? NOPE! Not a chance! Because while they aren't the whole truth, they are true and they do help me feel accomplished and get me through... But, starting now, I'm going to be dishing out a lot more of the harsh reality that is the life of Mrs. Deming...
I'm not going to hide the fact that I let my child have potato chips for lunch. Or ramen noodles. Judge all you want... I'm going to be honest about the fact that today has pretty much SUCKED! The day didn't start out so bad, but in the midst of a decent day I officially fought with my 2-year-old for TWO AND A HALF HOURS over taking a nap... Yep... No joke.... And guess what? I did NOT win! By the time we were done fighting and I got in the shower to cool down, it was too late for her to take a nap. She won. I'm not proud of that. I'm not proud of the fight but I'm mostly not proud that I lost. I'm not proud that I stood in that shower while she was still laying in her bed doing whatever 2-year-olds do while no one is looking and I just sobbed... I told God that I think He may have made a terrible mistake giving me my husband and my kids.
Now, I know He doesn't make mistakes. He doesn't make garbage. He makes beautiful disasters. But I don't feel like a beautiful disaster. I just feel like a regular, old, horrible, ugly disaster. I don't feel like I'm a good mom. I don't feel like I'm a good wife or homemaker. And no, I'm not judging myself against other moms or wives. Because, honestly, those moms and wives that post like me and seem like they have it all together? They drive me CRAZY! See, I know. I know that they are faking it just like me. They don't have the same struggles. They don't fail in the same ways that I do. But NONE of us has it all together. And anyone who might actually really have it all together, well, they must live a pretty bland, boring life... Because its all the failures, all the falling down that makes life interesting. And no, I'm not writing this in the hopes for sympathy posts about what a great mom I am and everyone has rough days and it'll all get better and of course, I'm a good wife. Yeah... those do stroke the ego a little and help dull the ache of the awful day I've had... But I don't want those... I want the "ME TOO!" and the "AMEN!" and the "GLAD I'M NOT ALONE!" posts... Those are the ones that are real... Solidarity. That is real. I know that on most days I do my best and I am a pretty good mom. I know that my Hubby loves me and appreciates me even on the days I don't see or feel it. And he knows that I feel the same way even on the days that I nag and complain.
Do I want to be that "perfect" mom and wife and homemaker? Do I want to be the "Pinterest" mom that has it all together and makes organic rainbow spaghetti and steamed broccoli for my kids' lunch? No, not really. I am ok with the messy. I am ok with the imperfect. The messy and the imperfect are what make us who we are. We all know that if we were all that perfect "Pinterest" mom, life would be so boring! The mess teaches us lessons, causes us to do better next time, and builds character in us and in those around us. When I got out of that shower I knew for a fact that God had not made a mistake. My child is mine because she is meant to be mine. I am the only mommy that can raise her and help her become the person she is destined to be. And I was able to come out of that shower and pick her up and love on her. I rocked her and told her how much I love her. I apologized for our fight. I apologized for getting in my own way and being just as stubborn as she was.
And do you know what happened? She looked up at me and giggled, and kissed my face... And then she laid down on my chest and fell asleep... Yep... After all of that fighting and crying... she fell asleep at 5:00 in the evening.
Great! Just GREAT!
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